Turmoil of a deranged mind

I've come to the conclusion that life by the coast is not for me.  I've never been particularly drawn to the seaside.  I very rarely go in the sea, even when I'm abroad it's a hard push to get me in the water.  I have a phobia you see, of well, everything really.  The mere thought of a fish & I hyperventilate.  If a whisper of seaweed touches my leg I run for the nearest grain of dry sand.

No, sea air in my lungs is not an essential requirement.  I much prefer the smell of agriculture in the air.  I prefer to look out of my bedroom window, or any window for that matter, & see field upon field of grass & crops & cows munching.  The familiar smell of dung.  What can I say, I'm a country bumpkin at heart.

I miss my three mile daily walks around the lanes, dragging a wheezing Mr Piggles behind me.  Dressing up in my mac & Hunters, forcing Mr Piggles to avoid horse excrement & rather piscine sized puddles as we trundle along.  I miss listening to my musik on the way round & having that time to escape the dreariness of general life.  [sigh]

Here on the coast there are no country walks.  Here there are sea walks.  Nothing is private, nothing is sacred.  If I take Mr Piggles for a walk around these parts, my main concerns are trying to avoid him seeing (& subsequently eating) people's leftover KFC on the streets & fights with other dogs (he has a complex, I believe it's called small dog syndrome).

Nothing is the same here.  Nothing is quiet or beautiful.  On a hot day down by the harbour, you could accept that it is not always so devoid of charm.  However, since my return from France, warm weather has been rather lacking in the South East & my trips to the harbour have been null & void.

I recently returned to my homeland & it feels so natural being there, that it is almost crushing to have to drive the hour back towards the coast.  Although, so much has seemingly changed there & the majority of my friends are now working in London & aiming on moving there too.

I suppose in essence all this country loving seems rather fruitless, when I too, in my heart of hearts, wish to venture into the capital.  Although I feel the city will be somewhat more brutal than the coast, in way of skylines & space to breath.

What a pickle one seems to get oneself into.  Twenty four years down the line & I still have not entirely worked out what I want.  Perhaps with too many options in life, it's hard to actually commit yourself to just one thing, without the greed factor whispering 'why not have it all...'

Decisions decisions.