Another walk about, after dark.

I always like to make out that I'm a bit of a bitch, with a frosty cold heart & to a certain degree this is the truth.  However, I think the real cold bitter bitch side of me got broken & defeated by The Ex many years ago & since then, I've just been making a replica to try & bring back a part of me, which I'm terribly afraid is dead.

I feel rather naked & vulnerable being the nice version of me.  It's not used to daylight you see.  Years of bitter resentment towards my parents & a childhood I often felt robbed of, lead to volatile behaviour & aggressive outbursts.  I didn't really know how to love & was never fully accepting of someone else's.

But since those broken & shattered years, I have loved & completely opened up to give myself to someone.  Unfortunately, that relationship came to an end.  But that's how things are meant to be.  I truly don't believe in forevers.

The issue now is, I tried being the open hearted nice side of myself with The Boy & he kind of walked all over me, like I was a piece of rattan.  It hurt.  A lot.  That kick in the teeth sent me running back into my shell & saw me sticking needles all over it.

Now I've finally met someone new & all I want to do is pick up a Kinder Egg whenever I see them in the store, because I know he likes them & I always think I'll save them for when I see him next.  In fact, I once spent an afternoon googling Kinder Advent Calendars, just because I knew it would make him smile.

Just in that one little act, I suddenly realise how vulnerable I am.  It's so easy for me to be nice & do nice things for the people I care about.  For friends it's the easiest thing in the world.  For him, or for any man shape, it's the hardest.  Because I feel humiliated every time I do something nice & I think to myself 'he wouldn't do something cute like that for me'.

I don't want to live my life constantly guarded, in case someone turns out to be a right bastard after all.  But what actually is the right balance between being yourself, allowing your natural caring instincts to come out & being sensible enough not to get too emotionally attached & protect yourself against the obvious pain that comes with liking someone, who essentially may or may not ever like you back to the degree that you need.


Three years on...

The tenth of November 2012 marks three years since my dad died.

However many days/weeks/months/years pass, I still miss him the same as I did the day he died.

However, I'm a realist.  I accept that everyone & everything must cease to exist at some point.

But I will never forget all those that have passed through my life.

I yearn for you, from the depth of my soul
I feel you leave & I know I need to let go
I cannot contemplate life now you're gone
The feeling of emptiness sweeping along
The distance between us will be incomplete
I feel lost & alone, you're forever asleep
How can this be, that you've finally left
Promised me you'd be there & now I'm bereft
I feel an empty hole looming towards me
Ready to swallow me whole & consume me
My emotions are a havoc of confusion & care
For the love of someone, who's no longer there
How can you love someone who no longer exists
The feelings live on, but the body is gone
The soul surrenders the body, but leaves a remain
Memories are never enough to contain
All the emotion that gets left behind
When the one that you love, cannot continue the fight


Oh that bitch is cray!

Popped up to London on Friday to see my first flatshare!  Unfortunately, it wasn't quite living up to my expectations.  It was exceptionally small, dark & they had no communal area!  Granted I do tend to cosy up in my bedroom most evenings when I'm in, but still!

I felt a little disappointed & so to alleviate my woes, Lady Rawlinson, her friend Lauren & I went for cocktails in Kennington at this great little place called the Brown Derby.  On the outside it looks like an old pub, but when you walk in, it's all old skool fabulous.

They had top hats for lights, mannequins draped in vintage fur, old black & white movies playing on the big screen & a DJ spinning electro swing.  But most importantly, they served cocktails!

Unfortunately cocktails led to wine, which led to making friends, which led to more wine.  A fatal combination which evidently leads to one very drunk Alix.  Which equally leads to awfully cringe drunk messages to Beard.  Oh dear, dear, dear.

I tend to find, I can usually hold my shit together & act relatively 'normal' for about a good month.  After that, the cracks tend to start showing & I turn all kinds of crazy!  This is when I either break up with whichever unfortunate soul I'm currently with, or they persevere to such an extent that I get past the crazy & go back to being the fierce bitch I actually am...some of the time.

Currently we're in the crazy bitch phase.  I think this has been greatly aided by the immense stress of moving.  Myself & stress do not go well together.  But I would like to point out, that I have been 100% open & honest about my crank tendencies to Beard since the first date.  So by rights, this should really not be held against me.  Totes will though...

Amongst all this cranktastic behaviour, I have at least found happiness in another possible flatshare.  This time in Brixton.  I won't rest my heart on it, but all my fingers & joints are crossed.  The one thing that has made everything better, is Sir Fleming agreeing to let me couch surf at his, if I don't find anywhere before I start work on the 1st December.  Which means all is not lost if Brixton falls through!

To add to Sir Fleming's good deeds of late, he's also growing a 'tache for Movember.  So if you feel like donating to help men's ability to keep ladies happy & making babies, here's the link!