Make it out of this grind, 'fore I'm out of my mind

I feel it's been a complex few months, to say the least.

Firstly, I agreed to meet up with The Boy, to 'catch up' & mainly for me to be able to voice my grievances over how things ended.  It had been two months since I'd last seen his face.  The first month was spent wallowing in self-pity.  Dealing with the feelings of utter rejection & worthlessness.  The second month was spent realising that I was better than that & that actually, let's face it, he's just one of many & nothing to cry over.

So there's me feeling all empowered & 'over it', got off my chest everything I'd been bottling up for the past two months.  Told him I wanted nothing but friendship & all that jazz.  The next day I felt good.  I was finally able to move on, having been able to tell him what a douchebag he is for the way he treated me.  Unfortunately, this feeling lasted all of two seconds before I realised that, he'd essentially, hooked me back in again & I was going to have to start the whole process over again.

Then my friend Maria dragged me out at the weekend & who did I have the misfortune of bumping into; The Boy.  It had been three weeks since our 'catch up', with no word in between.  I was not prepared & let's face it, I was drunk.  We exchanged words.  I found out, rather unfortunately, that he'd been 'active' with a few girls out in Ibiza on a recent trip.  I won't lie...There may have been some tears.  Thankfully not in front of him.  Or else I would have crawled into a ball & died of embarrassment!!!

Today I met up with one of my bestest friends, Kitty Kat.  I've literally known her for fifteen years!  Which is crazy.  But the length of our friendship is useful at times.  Such as now, when we are both going through somewhat of an identity crises, mainly brought on by evil menshapes!  Having known each other since we were ten years old, we have essentially grown up together.  We know who each other were, who we are now & who we distinctly are not.  Right now we're hanging out in the 'distinctly not' area.

We're lost.  I for one appreciate that, this current state of sombre madness, is not something I am going through alone!

As I said to Kitty, when you're on your own, you have a strong sense of identity.  However, when you're in a couple, you loose sight of this & you tend to merge into someone/something else.  Everything is compromised.  Which is as ridiculous as it is inevitable.   The uniqueness of you is what draws someone to you & then your relationship ends up depleting you of it entirely.  Then the relationship ends & you are left completely bewildered & lost.

We're both in the desert right now.  Plus, we've both reached the twenty five milestone & to be honest I'm in a confused state of mind as to how I'm supposed to act at this age.  I'm in limbo dammit!

To summarise, I am currently in a state of confusion.  I've entirely lost my sense of identity, purpose & general direction in life.  Therefore, the following months shall be spent job hunting, spending time with the people that know me best (even when I don't know myself!) & attempting to muddle through to some clarity.

That is all.


  1. If I can tell you anything,its not to worry. I came out of a 7 year relationship at 24 and at my 25th birthday I sobbed into my cake feeling like I was on the shelf and totally lost. 5 months later I met the perfect person. I'm nearly 30 now and I am so happy. you'll get there too. the only man who is worth your tears won't make you cry xxx

    1. Thank you Amie! I know, it's silly really. You can totally be aware that someone is wrong for you & yet your emotions entirely take over! I trust that someone WAY better will eventually come along. xxx

  2. Beautifully written Porritt and all encompassing. So wise!!!

    1. Oh Tilley babe, so good to be back in your embrace! Makes me feel more myself! xxx