This past weekend has been über intense on my delicate emotions, not gonna lie. I guess Friday night started things off....
I felt like I just clarified the whole 'situation' with The Boy & then it's like he drop kicked me & decided that since he finally got his paws on some dollar & a phone (don't ask) I was no longer important. I feel like it's my own fault that I let things get the way they did. I didn't know what I wanted! How could I have, it'd been so damn long since I allowed myself to want anything at all.
It was the whole thing with The Ex that did it. Spend a lifetime having a fear of commitment & then you manage to stumble across the one guy that manages to break down your concrete barriers. Two & a half years spent pulling my hair out, not knowing how to keep my identity whilst still being a part of something. I was a novice. I gave away not only my heart, but my entire sense of self.
After that, I guess I didn't know how to do both, so I'd start something & then end it before it got heavy. Wouldn't let them in, in case I couldn't let myself get out. By the time I met The Boy, I was just starting to figure myself out again. In the words of Jay-Z (my obvious homeboy), I was gettin' my swagger back. But then, he didn't want to be tied down & I didn't know what the hell I wanted at the time. So I threw myself into something entirely blinded
Only now I can see exactly what I want. I want to be with someone without feeling suffocated. I want to be with someone who is drawn to me for me & who allows me to still be me, even when we're months down the line & things are getting 'heavy'. I want to have my own dreams, whether they include him or not. I'll have had them before he came along & if he leaves, I'll need them there when it's just me again.
I want him to have his own dreams too & I want to encourage him to fulfill them, even if they don't include me & it might inevitably mean losing him. Because when you love someone, you only want for them to be happy, sometimes even when it's at your own expense. Forcing someone to compromise or give up on their goals just to make yourself happy, means that your relationship will only sour with resentment.
I want to be with someone who respects me. I'm not saying I have to be put first (I do that for myself), but I should be considered. He should know by now how I feel. I want to be with someone who gives me space, time to do my own thing, instead of 'our' thing all the time. I want to be with someone who wants to spend time with me, because they enjoy my company, not because I'm a convenient option.
Overall, a relationship should never be equated to being tied down. Because if that's how you really feel in it, then you're not in the right one! Relationships are about spending time with someone you care about, someone that puts a smile on your face, someone who makes you feel special, because it's you they want to be around.
A relationship shouldn't trap you & stop you from doing your own thing. It should however be about wanting to incorporate that someone into your thing. About including it, not segregating it, like here's my 'relationship' & here's my 'life'. It's not one or the other & being in one isn't about forever, it's just about the here & now & what will be will be & if this doesn't work out, sure it'll hurt, but hey, we've got the memories, right? I wouldn't regret it, unless I didn't learn from it.
Maybe I've lost someone I care about, or maybe I just found the part of me I lost to someone else. Either way, at least now I do know what I want, now I just need to find someone who knows what they want!