I remember there was once a time, when life to me, had meaning. I felt positive & truly believed I had a purpose. When things went wrong, I had faith that there was a reason, that it was all for the greater good & better things would come.
Slowly over time, that hopefulness, that strong held belief, weakened & eroded. By the time, the most special & important person in my life, passed away, I had lost all belief entirely.
For starters, I could never imagine that his death was even possible. Death was like something you read about in the newspaper, you saw on TV. I honestly felt like it would never happen to me, not in reality. But it did & it jaded me.
It made me feel helpless & afraid to truly love anyone or anything, because the pain of losing something you love is so overwhelming, so all encompassing, that quite frankly, I'm not convinced you could recover from it the first time, let alone again.
I felt my moral curtain drop. The world suddenly seemed empty, like I'd been drifting in an illusion & here I was, facing a stark & empty reality. Nothing had meaning. Nothing made sense. What was right & wrong became jumbled, because, at the end of it, we'd all die & what would truly be left behind?
Over three years were spent trying to find meaning, whilst achingly longing for someone I could never have back. This wasn't trial separation, this was a full blown divorce, with my mind lost in a custody battle which seemed to rage on for eternity.
I lost how to love others. How to trust. How to live. I looked up & I was standing there, alone & empty. When did this happen & how had I let it? I realised there & then that grief wasn't something you washed down with a pill or poured out in counseling. It was a life long battle, one that I felt I was facing alone.
You can sympathise when someone loses someone, but you'll never truly understand. Even if it has happened to you, because love & grief are so individual, that no one person can every truly know what it feels like.
I've pushed a lot of people away. I've done things morally incomprehensible. I've lost sight of myself & my dreams. I've stopped living & have simply been existing. Worst of all, I've reached the end of my own self denial. I've woken up & seen the destruction. I'm broken, I'm afraid & I need to mend myself & my life. To put the pieces back together. To form something new & attempt to find the positive.
To have faith that all this, everything, up 'til now, had a purpose.