Now you're on your own, won't you come back home

I think the thing about London, is that it's one of those places which is great to visit & spend quality time in on a sporadic basis.  But when you're there all day, every day, working long draining hours on very little pay, it's not quite as much fun.

Plus when it comes to finding somewhere to live, well, you become acutely aware how little bang you get for your buck.  I may over the years have learnt to lower my standards, but crack dens I cannot do.

London is also an incredibly isolating place.  You power walk everywhere, whether you're in a rush to get anywhere, or not.  Nobody looks each other in the eye.  Nobody smiles.  I haven't smiled for weeks.  Anyone that walks remotely slower than you, you want to push over.  The staff in all the shops are so incredibly rude too!

Of course there have been some good times; the chocolate festival at the Southbank Centre, Winter Wonderland, Margaritas at The Connaught Hotel & more.  Although, this was all short lived once I got ill.  Firstly flu, which I was just getting over when I then got food poisoning from a trip to Byron.  Three weeks later & I'm not yet recovered.

It's been a somewhat miserable December, to say the least.  The new year however, has made me realise that life is far too short to spend being unhappy.  So I've handed in my notice & as of February will be heading back to the coast & once there I will be saving all my pennies for the next adventure; traveling round Italy!

So here's to the good parts of a winter spent in London.

Another walk about, after dark.

I always like to make out that I'm a bit of a bitch, with a frosty cold heart & to a certain degree this is the truth.  However, I think the real cold bitter bitch side of me got broken & defeated by The Ex many years ago & since then, I've just been making a replica to try & bring back a part of me, which I'm terribly afraid is dead.

I feel rather naked & vulnerable being the nice version of me.  It's not used to daylight you see.  Years of bitter resentment towards my parents & a childhood I often felt robbed of, lead to volatile behaviour & aggressive outbursts.  I didn't really know how to love & was never fully accepting of someone else's.

But since those broken & shattered years, I have loved & completely opened up to give myself to someone.  Unfortunately, that relationship came to an end.  But that's how things are meant to be.  I truly don't believe in forevers.

The issue now is, I tried being the open hearted nice side of myself with The Boy & he kind of walked all over me, like I was a piece of rattan.  It hurt.  A lot.  That kick in the teeth sent me running back into my shell & saw me sticking needles all over it.

Now I've finally met someone new & all I want to do is pick up a Kinder Egg whenever I see them in the store, because I know he likes them & I always think I'll save them for when I see him next.  In fact, I once spent an afternoon googling Kinder Advent Calendars, just because I knew it would make him smile.

Just in that one little act, I suddenly realise how vulnerable I am.  It's so easy for me to be nice & do nice things for the people I care about.  For friends it's the easiest thing in the world.  For him, or for any man shape, it's the hardest.  Because I feel humiliated every time I do something nice & I think to myself 'he wouldn't do something cute like that for me'.

I don't want to live my life constantly guarded, in case someone turns out to be a right bastard after all.  But what actually is the right balance between being yourself, allowing your natural caring instincts to come out & being sensible enough not to get too emotionally attached & protect yourself against the obvious pain that comes with liking someone, who essentially may or may not ever like you back to the degree that you need.

Three years on...

The tenth of November 2012 marks three years since my dad died.

However many days/weeks/months/years pass, I still miss him the same as I did the day he died.

However, I'm a realist.  I accept that everyone & everything must cease to exist at some point.

But I will never forget all those that have passed through my life.

I yearn for you, from the depth of my soul
I feel you leave & I know I need to let go
I cannot contemplate life now you're gone
The feeling of emptiness sweeping along
The distance between us will be incomplete
I feel lost & alone, you're forever asleep
How can this be, that you've finally left
Promised me you'd be there & now I'm bereft
I feel an empty hole looming towards me
Ready to swallow me whole & consume me
My emotions are a havoc of confusion & care
For the love of someone, who's no longer there
How can you love someone who no longer exists
The feelings live on, but the body is gone
The soul surrenders the body, but leaves a remain
Memories are never enough to contain
All the emotion that gets left behind
When the one that you love, cannot continue the fight