Another walk about, after dark.

I always like to make out that I'm a bit of a bitch, with a frosty cold heart & to a certain degree this is the truth.  However, I think the real cold bitter bitch side of me got broken & defeated by The Ex many years ago & since then, I've just been making a replica to try & bring back a part of me, which I'm terribly afraid is dead.

I feel rather naked & vulnerable being the nice version of me.  It's not used to daylight you see.  Years of bitter resentment towards my parents & a childhood I often felt robbed of, lead to volatile behaviour & aggressive outbursts.  I didn't really know how to love & was never fully accepting of someone else's.

But since those broken & shattered years, I have loved & completely opened up to give myself to someone.  Unfortunately, that relationship came to an end.  But that's how things are meant to be.  I truly don't believe in forevers.

The issue now is, I tried being the open hearted nice side of myself with The Boy & he kind of walked all over me, like I was a piece of rattan.  It hurt.  A lot.  That kick in the teeth sent me running back into my shell & saw me sticking needles all over it.

Now I've finally met someone new & all I want to do is pick up a Kinder Egg whenever I see them in the store, because I know he likes them & I always think I'll save them for when I see him next.  In fact, I once spent an afternoon googling Kinder Advent Calendars, just because I knew it would make him smile.

Just in that one little act, I suddenly realise how vulnerable I am.  It's so easy for me to be nice & do nice things for the people I care about.  For friends it's the easiest thing in the world.  For him, or for any man shape, it's the hardest.  Because I feel humiliated every time I do something nice & I think to myself 'he wouldn't do something cute like that for me'.

I don't want to live my life constantly guarded, in case someone turns out to be a right bastard after all.  But what actually is the right balance between being yourself, allowing your natural caring instincts to come out & being sensible enough not to get too emotionally attached & protect yourself against the obvious pain that comes with liking someone, who essentially may or may not ever like you back to the degree that you need.

Three years on...

The tenth of November 2012 marks three years since my dad died.

However many days/weeks/months/years pass, I still miss him the same as I did the day he died.

However, I'm a realist.  I accept that everyone & everything must cease to exist at some point.

But I will never forget all those that have passed through my life.

I yearn for you, from the depth of my soul
I feel you leave & I know I need to let go
I cannot contemplate life now you're gone
The feeling of emptiness sweeping along
The distance between us will be incomplete
I feel lost & alone, you're forever asleep
How can this be, that you've finally left
Promised me you'd be there & now I'm bereft
I feel an empty hole looming towards me
Ready to swallow me whole & consume me
My emotions are a havoc of confusion & care
For the love of someone, who's no longer there
How can you love someone who no longer exists
The feelings live on, but the body is gone
The soul surrenders the body, but leaves a remain
Memories are never enough to contain
All the emotion that gets left behind
When the one that you love, cannot continue the fight

Oh that bitch is cray!

Popped up to London on Friday to see my first flatshare!  Unfortunately, it wasn't quite living up to my expectations.  It was exceptionally small, dark & they had no communal area!  Granted I do tend to cosy up in my bedroom most evenings when I'm in, but still!

I felt a little disappointed & so to alleviate my woes, Lady Rawlinson, her friend Lauren & I went for cocktails in Kennington at this great little place called the Brown Derby.  On the outside it looks like an old pub, but when you walk in, it's all old skool fabulous.

They had top hats for lights, mannequins draped in vintage fur, old black & white movies playing on the big screen & a DJ spinning electro swing.  But most importantly, they served cocktails!

Unfortunately cocktails led to wine, which led to making friends, which led to more wine.  A fatal combination which evidently leads to one very drunk Alix.  Which equally leads to awfully cringe drunk messages to Beard.  Oh dear, dear, dear.

I tend to find, I can usually hold my shit together & act relatively 'normal' for about a good month.  After that, the cracks tend to start showing & I turn all kinds of crazy!  This is when I either break up with whichever unfortunate soul I'm currently with, or they persevere to such an extent that I get past the crazy & go back to being the fierce bitch I actually am...some of the time.

Currently we're in the crazy bitch phase.  I think this has been greatly aided by the immense stress of moving.  Myself & stress do not go well together.  But I would like to point out, that I have been 100% open & honest about my crank tendencies to Beard since the first date.  So by rights, this should really not be held against me.  Totes will though...

Amongst all this cranktastic behaviour, I have at least found happiness in another possible flatshare.  This time in Brixton.  I won't rest my heart on it, but all my fingers & joints are crossed.  The one thing that has made everything better, is Sir Fleming agreeing to let me couch surf at his, if I don't find anywhere before I start work on the 1st December.  Which means all is not lost if Brixton falls through!

To add to Sir Fleming's good deeds of late, he's also growing a 'tache for Movember.  So if you feel like donating to help men's ability to keep ladies happy & making babies, here's the link!

We watch things on VCRs

Apologies for my absence, the past few months have been nothing but crazy talk!  As some of you will know, my dad died on the tenth of November 2009 & right on cue, every Autumn since, I start to shut down.  It's like I'm subconsciously going through the grieving motions.

This is normally where I make rather rash decisions.  The first year was to quit my job, leave my flat, move in with my mother, who lives on the edge of nowhere & save up to go traveling.  Unfortunately my life affirming travel plans turned into five weeks of partying with PDiddy, with Eleanor in the South of France.  Not quite what I had envisioned, but fun nonetheless.

Then the following year, I simply fell apart & ended up medicated for seven months.  That lead to no partying at all.  This was less fun.

This year it appears I'm going all out & packing up once again to move to London.  Casual.  I finally spoke out about my life grievances to my manager at work & she pushed me into a transfer to one of the company's London branches.  Not entirely sure why I didn't just do this before, but hey.  So now, as of the first of December I shall be working & living in London.

Of course, I'm not usually known for being organised.  However, after a brief meltdown, I did eventually pull my finger out & am now pretty much ready...Bar having somewhere to live.  Therefore November shan't be spent doing my usual campaigning for Movember, but instead, attempting to find myself a flatshare rather pronto!

In the midst of all this mayhem, my favourite person Miss Wall, from the fabulous The Tea Drinking English Rose, invited me along as her plus one, to Laura Ashley's Blog's First Birthday!  (That's such a mouthful!)

Situated in a room above their Kings Road store was a hub of Christmas fueled excitement.  Catered for by the Vintage Patisserie, we nobbled copious amounts of lemon scones, adorned with lavender clotted cream & rose brownies.  I may have overindulged a little.

I especially liked the vodka infused jasmine tea we were served in little vintage tea cups & saucers.  One can never deny the allure of a cocktail in a teacup!  I made sure to have several refills!

The music was provided for by the beautiful Liz Lawrence, who was just magnificent live!  A completely acoustic set, just her & a guitar.  Makes me even sadder that I'm tone deaf.

Despite my utter phobia of being photographed, I have randomly made a new best friend in JB, a photographer no less.  He made a valiant effort to film a small segment with me, but alas, after several hundred takes, mainly of me laughing, he gave up.  We settled for life long friendship instead.  Seemed only fair.

And just to keep you entirely updated; I have finally found a suitable manshape to fill the void where one once stood.  He is tall, skinny jean wearing (obvious essential), tattooed & bearded.  Everything my lil heart desires.  Although, his chosen profession, of which I shan't divulge, is completely ridiculous & I am not currently sure if it's working in his favour or not.  But hey, it beats dating an accountant...I should know!

My only issue is, I find myself being entirely guarded.  Which I hate.  I'm upfront, ballsy & completely honest.  I am the first to admit, I wear my heart on my sleeve.  Unfortunately, this past year has left me battered & bruised & now my ability to trust that someone won't emotionally wreck me, is well, null & void.  I guess only time will tell if he likes me enough to persevere through my bullshit.  [sigh]

L'Homme Du Moment

Let's talk hot man shapes.  In fact, let's talk one hot man shape in particular; Kayvan Novak.

I don't know quite how this particular individual has gone under my radar for so long, but I am exceptionally thankful that he is now most definitely in my view point.

Iranian-British, tall, dark & most definitely handsome!

I can rarely resist this kinda package & hell, why would I want to!

I'm naked, I'm numb, I'm stupid, I'm dumb

So remember when I said I was rubbish at dating...

Well, Saturday evening started to make me think differently.  I went out for dinner with New Kid (that's right folks, there's a whole new manshape on the scene) & I felt it went really well.  Starting to really like this kid.  He's always been a gent, never tried anything.  Maybe to the point I wasn't sure if he was actually keen.

Then me being be...Encouraged Let things get a lil out of hand...Let's just say, there was some making out without the presence of clothing.  I have literally no self control around incredibly hawt, toned, well dressed men.  [sigh]

Only there's been this lil cloud over New Kid's age...I've gone as far as to request ID, but he assured me he's legit...Then some social media evidence appeared, which not only proves he's lying, but also that I really do seem to attract teenagers.  Nearly cried, not gonna lie!

Thing is, I honestly don't really care about his age.  Alright, this massively makes me some kind of cradle snatching cougar, but why lie!?  I abide being lied to, I really do!  Like, man up & be honest.  Risk it for my biscuit kid, 'cause right now you've got a lot of making up to do!

Maybe I'm not so much bad at dating & more rubbish at picking men...I just seem to pick boys instead!  I'm ID checking everyone from now on!  Swear down!

In the meantime, I have found a Lykke Li remix which is like my version of Prozac in this terribly shameful situation!

You left me in the dark, no dawn, no day

It's official: I don't know how to date!  Cereal, when did this shit get so frickin' hard!  I honestly don't remember it being this hard five years ago, y'know, before The 'douchebag' Ex came along & destroyed my ability to be a sexual deviant.  Bastard!

Back in the day I used to juggle three menshapes at a time!  I mean c'mon, you need backups right!  Now dating ONE guy at a time frazzles my mind!  I need help, serious help.  Like some kind of manual.  Just tell me the rules, of course I'll break them, but at least I'll have some guidance on it!

It also doesn't help that the word slow doesn't appear in my vocabulary.  Patience has never been my virtue, let's face it.  I'm an instantaneous kinda gal.  I like you, you like me, badda bing badda boom!  None of this text round the houses shit.  I mean, The Ex had moved in after three months!  Not that I want that kinda intense shizzle again anytime soon!

To top off my dating issues, it seems only prepubescent boys seem to be attracted to me.  Apparently my face age has been reduced to seventeen.  SEVENTEEN!!!  I hope I appreciate this youthful glow when I'm thirty.  Right now it is greatly getting in the way of my bearded, tattooed, hawt, tanned menshape dreams!

[sobbs]

I'm just gonna look at these beautiful menshape specimens to attempt to remember what I NEEEEEED!!!

Make it out of this grind, 'fore I'm out of my mind

I feel it's been a complex few months, to say the least.

Firstly, I agreed to meet up with The Boy, to 'catch up' & mainly for me to be able to voice my grievances over how things ended.  It had been two months since I'd last seen his face.  The first month was spent wallowing in self-pity.  Dealing with the feelings of utter rejection & worthlessness.  The second month was spent realising that I was better than that & that actually, let's face it, he's just one of many & nothing to cry over.

So there's me feeling all empowered & 'over it', got off my chest everything I'd been bottling up for the past two months.  Told him I wanted nothing but friendship & all that jazz.  The next day I felt good.  I was finally able to move on, having been able to tell him what a douchebag he is for the way he treated me.  Unfortunately, this feeling lasted all of two seconds before I realised that, he'd essentially, hooked me back in again & I was going to have to start the whole process over again.

Then my friend Maria dragged me out at the weekend & who did I have the misfortune of bumping into; The Boy.  It had been three weeks since our 'catch up', with no word in between.  I was not prepared & let's face it, I was drunk.  We exchanged words.  I found out, rather unfortunately, that he'd been 'active' with a few girls out in Ibiza on a recent trip.  I won't lie...There may have been some tears.  Thankfully not in front of him.  Or else I would have crawled into a ball & died of embarrassment!!!

Today I met up with one of my bestest friends, Kitty Kat.  I've literally known her for fifteen years!  Which is crazy.  But the length of our friendship is useful at times.  Such as now, when we are both going through somewhat of an identity crises, mainly brought on by evil menshapes!  Having known each other since we were ten years old, we have essentially grown up together.  We know who each other were, who we are now & who we distinctly are not.  Right now we're hanging out in the 'distinctly not' area.

We're lost.  I for one appreciate that, this current state of sombre madness, is not something I am going through alone!

As I said to Kitty, when you're on your own, you have a strong sense of identity.  However, when you're in a couple, you loose sight of this & you tend to merge into someone/something else.  Everything is compromised.  Which is as ridiculous as it is inevitable.   The uniqueness of you is what draws someone to you & then your relationship ends up depleting you of it entirely.  Then the relationship ends & you are left completely bewildered & lost.

We're both in the desert right now.  Plus, we've both reached the twenty five milestone & to be honest I'm in a confused state of mind as to how I'm supposed to act at this age.  I'm in limbo dammit!

To summarise, I am currently in a state of confusion.  I've entirely lost my sense of identity, purpose & general direction in life.  Therefore, the following months shall be spent job hunting, spending time with the people that know me best (even when I don't know myself!) & attempting to muddle through to some clarity.

That is all.

Took nothin from no man, man I'm my own man

In one of those 'as you do' moments, I asked mère to pay for me to get my septum pierced for my birthday.  I've wanted it done for years, but it's just one of those things I've never got round to doing.

So yesterday, I finally went & got it done!

Not gonna ball it, it hurt like hell.  Actually shed a tear when the needle went through!  I was so glad Sir Fleming was there to hold my hand.  I was originally going to go in & get it done on my own, which would not have been a good idea, as I almost fainted after it had been done!

I'm so pleased with it though.  However, walked into work today & my manager immediately ordered me into her office.  I literally started welling up straight away!  She said I could either take it out there & then, or have six weeks off unpaid 'til it heals & I can change the ring to something that can be hidden.  You can imagine how pissed I was, I actually burst into tears like a retard.  I'm not one for being told what I can or cannot do, especially with my own body!

I told her I wasn't going to take it out & although I'm in no position to lose my job, I would have happily walked out there & then on principle alone.  I think she knew that.  She called me back into her office a lil while later & said she'd compromise by letting me keep it in until it's healed & then I'd have to change it.

I mean honestly, it's not even a big ring!  Grrrr!  This has officially pushed me over the edge & I am now fully planning on going job hunt crazy!  No one puts Porritt Pants in the corner!  I'm so serious about this I'm going as far as to lose my precious claws & having regular shaped nails.  Typing friendly!  Fingers, toes, legs & everything else crossed that I can find something sooooooon!

[small sobs]

I'm officially twenty five & not pretending anymore!

I decided to spend my twenty fifth birthday sipping cocktails with Miss Wall in Barcelona.

I thought it was a good idea.  I hate birthdays.  They just never live up to my expectations!  When I was a kid, birthdays were exciting & I felt really special on the day.  We always did something fun & I got LOADS of presents.  But now I'm no longer pre-pubescent, I no longer get bags of gifts, feel giddy with excitement or even feel remotely special on the big day.  So I have taken to spending it abroad, then I can ignore the fact that it's my birthday.  It's worked for the past seven years so, y'know.

This was my first birthday in Barcelona, but my third time in the city.  I love Barcelona.  It's like the perfect getaway.  It's got the bussle of the city with the relaxation factor of the beach.  Parfait!

Charlotte & I spent the first few days sunning ourselves on the beach.  It was incredibly hot & humid, but thankfully for once I managed to avoid burning!  I may not be blacker than liquorice now, but I am a pretty shade of mocha.  [sigh]

Evenings were spent dining out at fanciful restaurants around town, with every meal accompanied by cocktails & floral ice creams.  Turns out Barcelona is big on Mojitos!  On my actual birthday on Thursday, we decided to dine at my favourite restaurant Attic, on La Rambla, which has an amazing rooftop restaurant & bar.  They managed to fail with an over salty boiger but they redeemed themselves when they served up my pudding with a big fat candle in it.

Overall, I had a faboosh time & am now morose to be back to rainy England.  [sad face]  I am however, still in the process of receiving gifts & cards from friends (the benefit of being away for your birthday, you get to drag it out a bit), which is keeping me happy.  In fact tomorrow I am off to see Sir Fleming for lunch & to finally get my septum pierced!  Wish me luck!

Track Of The Week

So, as per, I have become hooked on a track from an advert...A Peugeot advert of all things!

Kinda like the lil Super Mario noises.

Retail Therapy

My Kurt Geiger sandals arrived yesterday!

Yay!

Looking forward to wearing them...when the sun eventually makes a re-appearance.

I also managed to snap up a new floral blouse in the H&M sale!

I do love a blouse & hey look, for once I got one that's not sheer!

Go me for not flashing the boobies!

Shopping!

I've been in the market for some new sandals for a lil while now, but nothing has quite hit the mark.  

Until now.

I recently popped to Portsmouth with the famille & ventured into Kurt Geiger for a mooch.  Found some delish tan numbers, but decided to pass, as I was trying to be good with my dollar.

Then I decided to have a little look on their website this evening & holla(!) they're now on sale!  So naturally I purchased them & they are now winging their way to me.

 

[happy face]

I try to change, But it's not the same

In the midst of all this hair care, I got my nails did too...

This...

Plus this...

Oh Topshop, how I love thee...

Let's get out of this town, baby we're on fire

Apparently I have a problem with the bottle...

Well, darn it, I've tried to kick the habit, but the love of pastel just keeps me coming back for more.

It shall be a lavender floral birthday in Barcelona after all...

Follow these instructions, do exactly as I do

I'm having a floral moment.

I feel like I should be in some flowing maxi dress, running around a field of Lavender.  Y'know, casual like.

I'll definitely be sporting lavender floral hair for my birthday this year.

I think the TV talks to me, I see things I shouldn't see

This girl is like my secret idol.  Not only for her lilac fro, but also because she has a septum piercing & darn it, I really wanna get this done!

Oh yeah & she's like a total babe too.  Kinda helps.

Anyone else think she has the Ellie Goulding about her in the first snap?

Free like a bird & this bird you cannot change

After what has seemed like an eternity, I finally got paid today.  You would think this would be a joyous occasion, however, as with every payday, it is just another reminder that I have failed, rather spectacularly, to get my shit together.  Eighteen months on a part-time wage.  It's enough to make any girl worth her weight in Vogue run for the Prozac!  I even broke my, most sacred, Barcelona bikini diet & had a second bar of Green & Black's.  My thighs will not thank me, or my bank balance, tomorrow.

No, people, this was one pay check too many, I am finally ready to actually make an effort to seek full-time employment!  I mean I'm actually considered an adult in some countries!  Like, twenty five is considerably old these days!  Hell, peeps are getting married & procreating & shizzle!  Peeps I know!  Makes me literally sick to my Louboutins!  If I had any Louboutins.

I can't deny my materialistic intentions in life.  It's no good having a Michael Kors watch, if you don't have it in every finish (currently lusting over the acrylic version) & there's no point in having JC Litas if you don't have a pair to go with every outfit!  I mean, what am I, an amateur!

Enough is enough!

To help make me feel better (& prettier), I did a spot of late night online shopping.  Dangerous, I know, especially with my weak-ass wage, but I did manage to bag myself some bargains!  I got two pots of La Riche Directions Lavender hair dye (trying a new shade for July) & their shampoo & conditioner for fourteen pounds!  Holla!  I'm hoping the shampoo & condish will help keep the colour for longer, 'cause dang, that shit washes out quick!

But I'm excited in any case, as Miss Wall & I shall be taking TeamPastel (twitter ref, natch) on vacay to Barcelona for my anniversaire in just a few short weeks.  Where we shall bake ourselves Costa Rican, drink ourselves into Betty Ford & eat 'til we've gained a pound (no more, we still have to be seen half naked on the beach you know).

In the meantime, to further inspire you to join TeamPastel, as it lovingly takes over the summer...

Just give me everything I want & nobody gets hurt!

¿Cómo estás bitches?  I received my very first birthday card yesterday!  All the way from my homeland; France!  Albeit, exceptionally early, it was very exciting to receive & now that we are in the lead up to the big day (yes, I still get excited for birthdays), I believe it is now time to provide you with my official birthday wish list.  Y'know, so you know what to get me & you bitches better get me something!

número uno

 

 Religion Ford Sunglasses - £50.00

These acrylic bad bois are gonna be parfait for my 90's minimal chic wardrobe.

Obviously, due to my (most likely hereditary) blindness, I will require them to have prescription lenses.  Luckily for you, my favourite website; eyewearbrands.com do free lenses & free delivery & are cheaper than anywhere else.  You're welcome.

número dos

 

 

MAC Impeccable Brow Pencil - £11.50

 Don't ever feel that you're copping out by buying me the essentials, 'cause believe me, nothing makes me happier than the gift of MAC!  Especially when we are talking about brow pencils.  I wasn't naturally blessed with full shapely brows & so, this item is my lifeline.  I had always used it in Dirty Blonde, but then I thought I'd take a gamble & change to Blonde, after I bleached my hair.  This was unfortunately a gamble which failed to pay off, as I now have seemingly amber hued arches.  I checked MAC's website & for some horrifying & unknown reason, they no longer seem to list either of these colours, so I'd advise you visit a counter.

número tres

 

 

MAC Bronzing Powder - £18.50

 Along with my need for pencil, my need for bronzer is equally important & life assisting!  My naturally porcelain skin, requires this level of coverage to make me appear less Edward Cullen & more Eva Mendes.  I usually opt for the Matte Bronze.

número cuatro

 

 

MAC Studio Fix Fluid SPF 15 - £19.50

In order for me to look as fabulous as I clearly am, I need this foundation in my life!  It's max coverage & hey, it's even SPF 15, so extra brownie points for me.  I used to use the palest shade they had, but then I realised that bronze is best, so now I'm all over NC25 like a heat rash.

número cinco

 

 

 Topman Denim Shirt - £30.00

I've posted on this before, that's how much I like it.  I have a thing for menswear, what can I say!

 

número seis

 

River Island Rucksack - £30.00

Again, posted this twinky before.  Even popped into River Island today & had a casual try-on.  Think this could totes work for me.

There's not particularly anything else I want...That isn't lovingly expensive, so y'know.  

I'm a list kinda girl, so don't waste your hard earned dollar on something you think I might like...'Cause I probably won't like it & then I'll have to incur bad karma lying to you that I do.  Failing everything, Topshop vouchers are always welcome.  But, I don't mind doubling up on the cosmetics side of things.  You can never have too much MAC.