I always like to make out that I'm a bit of a bitch, with a frosty cold heart & to a certain degree this is the truth. However, I think the real cold bitter bitch side of me got broken & defeated by The Ex many years ago & since then, I've just been making a replica to try & bring back a part of me, which I'm terribly afraid is dead.
I feel rather naked & vulnerable being the nice version of me. It's not used to daylight you see. Years of bitter resentment towards my parents & a childhood I often felt robbed of, lead to volatile behaviour & aggressive outbursts. I didn't really know how to love & was never fully accepting of someone else's.
But since those broken & shattered years, I have loved & completely opened up to give myself to someone. Unfortunately, that relationship came to an end. But that's how things are meant to be. I truly don't believe in forevers.
The issue now is, I tried being the open hearted nice side of myself with The Boy & he kind of walked all over me, like I was a piece of rattan. It hurt. A lot. That kick in the teeth sent me running back into my shell & saw me sticking needles all over it.
Now I've finally met someone new & all I want to do is pick up a Kinder Egg whenever I see them in the store, because I know he likes them & I always think I'll save them for when I see him next. In fact, I once spent an afternoon googling Kinder Advent Calendars, just because I knew it would make him smile.
Just in that one little act, I suddenly realise how vulnerable I am. It's so easy for me to be nice & do nice things for the people I care about. For friends it's the easiest thing in the world. For him, or for any man shape, it's the hardest. Because I feel humiliated every time I do something nice & I think to myself 'he wouldn't do something cute like that for me'.
I don't want to live my life constantly guarded, in case someone turns out to be a right bastard after all. But what actually is the right balance between being yourself, allowing your natural caring instincts to come out & being sensible enough not to get too emotionally attached & protect yourself against the obvious pain that comes with liking someone, who essentially may or may not ever like you back to the degree that you need.
I feel rather naked & vulnerable being the nice version of me. It's not used to daylight you see. Years of bitter resentment towards my parents & a childhood I often felt robbed of, lead to volatile behaviour & aggressive outbursts. I didn't really know how to love & was never fully accepting of someone else's.
But since those broken & shattered years, I have loved & completely opened up to give myself to someone. Unfortunately, that relationship came to an end. But that's how things are meant to be. I truly don't believe in forevers.
The issue now is, I tried being the open hearted nice side of myself with The Boy & he kind of walked all over me, like I was a piece of rattan. It hurt. A lot. That kick in the teeth sent me running back into my shell & saw me sticking needles all over it.
Now I've finally met someone new & all I want to do is pick up a Kinder Egg whenever I see them in the store, because I know he likes them & I always think I'll save them for when I see him next. In fact, I once spent an afternoon googling Kinder Advent Calendars, just because I knew it would make him smile.
Just in that one little act, I suddenly realise how vulnerable I am. It's so easy for me to be nice & do nice things for the people I care about. For friends it's the easiest thing in the world. For him, or for any man shape, it's the hardest. Because I feel humiliated every time I do something nice & I think to myself 'he wouldn't do something cute like that for me'.
I don't want to live my life constantly guarded, in case someone turns out to be a right bastard after all. But what actually is the right balance between being yourself, allowing your natural caring instincts to come out & being sensible enough not to get too emotionally attached & protect yourself against the obvious pain that comes with liking someone, who essentially may or may not ever like you back to the degree that you need.
:-( i love your little heart, frosty or not!
ReplyDeletei love your crazy and nice-ness, and some things do last forever, and some things do not.
boys are rubbish-fact.
i forever love you little one!
xxxxxxxxxxx
Awww little rabbit, I love you too! You & your big warm fuzzy heart! <3 xxxxxxxxxx
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