If there is one thing I am finding quite hard to hold onto at the moment, it is quite simply, my self identity. I got over losing my home, no longer having a car & being without a job. My travels made me realise that my identity didn't have to come from those things. However, my great sense of self has somewhat diminished, along with my style.
During the long hot summer in Sicily, I consistently wore a bare face, my hair in a top knot, dirt under my nails, my skin darkened heavily by the sun & I was happy. Although, I moaned, "this isn't what I normally look like" to everyone that would listen, until a Spanish guy I was friends with, said "what does it matter, those things aren't important, they're not what define you." I didn't want to agree, but he was right.
By the time winter came around, I had accepted this very stripped down version of myself. The outer shell was no longer important, it was who I was as a person that mattered. Sadly though, with spring gently rolling in, I have to admit, I'm struggling. I can't help but miss my groomed former self. My monthly mani-pedi, my waist length hair, that golden tan, which has now faded to a sickeningly pale tone.
Having sold the contents of my wardrobe, I am left with a pair of Hunter wellingtons & a beaten up pair of DMs. I don't even own a pair of sandals, let alone a pair of heels. My black skinny jeans have faded to ash & holes have formed in unfortunate places & all of my T-shirts & sweaters are equally falling apart. 'It doesn't matter' I tell myself, but y'know, it kinda does.
Getting down to the bare essentials, stripping right back, exploring the world, understanding more about yourself, it's all great, but honestly, in the past eight months, as much as I've gained, I equally feel as though I've lost. Yes, maybe having great hair isn't important in the grand scheme of things, but being able to look in the mirror & like what you see, somewhat is. If not just for your self esteem!
I want to be the best version of myself, I have a dream & in that dream, I don't look like the vagabond I currently see in the mirror. I think, there comes a time when, you have to start taking baby steps towards making your dreams a reality. There's no point visualising a skinnier, healthier, more stylish you, if you never do anything in reality to achieve this. Seeing your dreams formulate into reality is all part & parcel of forming them in the first place.
In eight months, I've learnt to accept myself as I am, know what I want & who I want to be. I've learnt a lot & even more so, I've learnt that if something makes you unhappy, you should do something about it. I don't want to spend my time feeling miserable because of my appearance, so I think it's finally time I bought a new pair of jeans.
treat yourself your genes define you not your jeans xoxoxoxoxox
ReplyDeleteThank you Peter, I'll be placing an order real soon. <3 xxxxxxx
DeleteIt sounds like your going about your look from the inside out! Your not looking for the jeans to define who you are but for them to reflect the person wearing them. Than true style x
ReplyDeleteI think you're right. I think that your clothes should be an expression of self & looking for them to define you is unhealthy. Perhaps I had to get to my vagabond state, in order to strip myself of my old view point, in order to realign myself inwardly, so that I could express myself better sartorially. x
DeleteI think all women feel like this from time to time, however, there is absolutely nothing wrong with not wearing makeup or getting a monthly mani. I barely have time for makeup these days - and I don't care, more important things are going on in my life - like trying to stay happy (Im prone to a deep melancholy that I can't ever describe adequately, but I just get so sad for no reason), work is crazy right now and I work from home - in an old pair of jeans, a scruffy top-knot and a pair of slipper socks. Sure sometimes I feel like a bum, especially when my boyf is putting a tie on to go to work - but then I realize, Im working hard, I do what I love and so what does it matter what I look like while I'm doing it. Just don't feel guilty for investing a bunch of time into your appearance, it ebbs and flows for us women - sometimes we make the effort consistently for a long time because we are at a point in our lives where we need to or it feels right, Other times, we have other responsibilities and our focus is on those, not what we look like. And in terms of self-identity, its a journey babe and a never ending one - we fall, we stumble but we also triumph and inspire ourselves. Keep your head up and your heart strong, you'll find yourself again soon and you might lose yourself along the way again, but that's life - just know, you will always always find yourself. Just keep living :)
ReplyDeleteAudrey xxx
www.befrassy.com
Thank you Audrey, this has made me smile. I too suffer from bouts of melancholy. I thought I'd gotten over it, when I went to England for Christmas, but alas, it appears to have reared its ugly head again. Sometimes, I think that when it washes over me, it makes me second guess myself & I begin to pick holes in my appearance & my life, perhaps in order to give some reason to my emptiness, when, unfortunately, it is in fact without reason. I agree, our need for preening comes & goes, along with our moods & circumstance. If my travels have taught me anything, it's that I don't need to consistently paint my face, or have manicured nails in order to be who I am, or even to be found attractive. I am who I am, regardless of what shade my hair is, or whether I got round to brushing it that day. Everyday, we change & evolve & so, even when we think we've 'found ourself', it's already too late & we've morphed again. Perhaps I simply need to find some acceptance & as you say, just keep living. :) xx
Deletewhat a fantastic post! the things that you say are really true. this sentence: "There's no point visualising a skinnier, healthier, more stylish you, if you never do anything in reality to achieve this." really spoke to me! it's a good reminder.
ReplyDeletei also had a question (which may be too personal & you don't have to answer if you don't want to!)! i am new to your blog & therefore don't know your story. how do you travel around financially? i don't want to assume things, since you lost your job & your house (i'm sorry!). but i am honestly curious. also, what a fantastic book your blog would make with the traveling stories it has.
Thank you, sometimes, I have to remind myself! It's easy to head out with an end goal in mind & get completely distracted along the way. Especially when you have an attention span as short as mine!
DeleteA few people have said to me about making my blog into a book & if a publisher came along & threw money at me to do it, I most certainly would!
On the financial side of things, my guest post on The Tea Drinking English Rose's blog should answer that for you & fully fill you in. http://www.theteadrinkingenglishrose.com/2014/03/motivational-march-guest-post.html
Anything else you need to know, feel free to contact me, through my contacts page. I am open to questions. :)
Great post - I'm planning on going travelling next January and worry about how I'll cope without all my clothes/accessories/makeup as I'm quite a materialistic person! I love your blog and think you should be really proud of yourself for all the amazing things you're doing!
ReplyDeleteThank you so much Natasha, I really appreciate the fact that you enjoy reading my posts. It helps to spur me on, along this dusty path! I too was concerned about leaving my comforts & being so limited, however, despite my recent longing for new, clean clothes & manicured nails, I have to say, you'll be surprised what you find you can live without & it does really help to put a lot of things in your life into perspective. Both what you can live without & in fact, what you take for granted. :)
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